more quotes

sorry i haven't posted any in a few days so i'll post more than usual...i've been busy playing soccer/football (depending on where exactly you are in the world...i am personally in favor of calling it football...i mean, really, come on! it makes so much more sense.) with the man-eating plants in the garden and pretty much any cryptid that will put up with me--yo, Bloop! *Bloop hides*...Mokele Mbembe?? SOMEBODY??



“I’m in no condition to drive…wait, I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!”

A word to the wise ain’t necessary…it’s the stupid ones that need advice.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."

"To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times."

"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem it is generally employed only by small children and large nations."
"What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic."

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Crazy is a relative term in my family!

Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.

All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day!

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Drive carefully; 90% of people are accidents.

CLEVERLY DISGUISED AS A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.

I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.

Normal people worry me.

You say physco like it's a bad thing.

I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.

I love him, O yes I do,He's for me, not for you,And if by chance you take my place,I'll take my fist and smash your face!

Save the Earth, it's the only planet with Chocolate.

Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car

There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world: those who can count and those who can’t.

A Day without Sunshine Is Like, You Know, Night

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.

Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education.

Bad cop!!—no donut!

Be nice; society already sucks.

Be nice to your kids; they pick out your nursing home.

DARE to keep cops off donuts.

Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired.

DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, LIGHT AT END OF TUNNEL WILL BE OUT.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

(This was a bumper sticker) GOT GOTH?

Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do.

Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.

He’s Not Dead, He’s Electroencephalographically-Challenged

Honk if you love boy bands - then drive into a tree.

I tried being normal once…I didn’t like it.

I’m a palm reader: gasp! You’re going to die but you’ll live through it.

GEEKS UNITE TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

"Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos."

"Oh, Lisa, you and your stories! ‘Bart is a Vampire' ... 'Beer kills off brain cells' ... Now lets go back... to... that building... where bed and TV... is."

"Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham! you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, 'Think again, bat man.' "

FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: are the reasons you have no food.

FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr / Mrs
REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD / MOM

FAKE FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry
REAL FRIENDS: Cry with you

FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back
REAL FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours

FAKE FRIENDS: Know a few things about you
REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you

FAKE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds butt that left you

FAKE FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say 'I'M HOME!'

FAKE FRIENDS: Are for awhile
REAL FRI ENDS: Are for life

FAKE FRIENDS: Will talk bad to the person who talks bad about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Will knock the person out that talked bad about you

If you were killed today, I'm sorry I wouldn't be able to come to your funeral, because I'd be in jail for killing the person who did it.

Never play leap frog with a unicorn.

Sticks and stones may break my—HOLY CRAP HE HAS A GUN!!!!

The gap between dream and reality is making me crazy.

Randomness is the base of a conversation.

"Now, i want you all to start daydreaming. Yes, just pretend you're listening to my lecture. Yeah, that's the glazed expressions i want!"

We have enough youth; where’s the fountain of smart??

Me fail English? That’s unpossible!

Be careful I have dain bramage.

He broke her heart; she broke his X-box.

Who died and made YOU Darth Vader?

Boys are like lava lamps…pretty to look at, but not very bright.

Real girls arent [P][E][R][F][E][C][T]Perfect girls arent [R][E][A][L].

When you were BORN, everyone around you was smiling and you were crying. Make sure that when you DIE, everyone around you is crying and you are smiling.

We could learn a valuable lesson from crayons; some are sharp, while some are dull, some have weird names, and some are beautiful, but they all learn to live in the same box.

If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem
True friends are like diamonds. When you scratch them, you can tell whether they are real or not.

Life will push you to the edge; become flexible. Life will test your skills, wits, and courage; be prepared. Life will throw lemons at you; have your lemonade stand ready. Life will send you on a rollercoaster; make sure your buckled in.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, professionals built the Titanic; an amateur built the ark.

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."

its always roses that are tied to love, why cant someone use an iguana, or something?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 1/2 + 1/2 = 1/1, well, I sure do know a lot of dead people

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

everyone in life has a purpose, even if its to serve as a BAD EXAMPLE

Clean laundry helps the confidence level, which helps the self image, which helps um, you win games, which makes you rich, which leads to greed, which leads to more money!!!, Which causes immense spending, which then triggers high anxiety, which causes a heart attack at the age of 31 and puts you in a coma for 10 years while you lose all of your money and you start at the beginning again!"